the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
