You smell like stripper and shame
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
