An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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