Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
