I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
