god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
