96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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