Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
