dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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