So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
