3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
