Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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