I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you traded sex for a burrito?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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