11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
