I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize