Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
