sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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