I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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