I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize