You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I need a beard to bite.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
