so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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