I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
