I should be sponsored by Trojan
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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