I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize