sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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