so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
