I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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