what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
