how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
