why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
