Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
