Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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