Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
