Your face is a jimmy john
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
