I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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