dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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