True but thats because hes a fetus.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
