after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
