he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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