I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
