No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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