Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
