My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
