elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
