Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
