from now on my penis is your penis
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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