oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
