when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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