You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
