Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
