so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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