Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
