I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
