Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
