well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
