i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
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