I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
