Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
