I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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