The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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