I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
