i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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