There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
