so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
