Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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